The fear of speaking up is like a cage that keeps me small. Unspoken truths piled up inside, like voltage without an outlet, and my body responded accordingly. The anxiety makes me restless and I wake up with headaches and the emotional charge within is like a whirl wind of many emotions like being on a rollercoaster ride.
It’s the complete frustration of what needs to be said that is not being said that keeps me stuck.
I want nothing more than to be a self-assured woman who advocated for herself as fearlessly as she advocated for others.
What I have learnt and what I keep learning is that speaking my truth is the simplest way of living in this world. Deceit, lies and half-truths do not occur naturally. They require great energy to stay alive. Truth, on the other hand, requires no maintenance.
I decided about 12 years ago that I was not going to live that way any longer and I was going to practice speaking my truth even when my voice was shaky and I had to fight back tears. I’ve been practicing speaking difficult truths ever since. By no means is it easy please don’t think for one minute it is. What is required is “being afraid and moving forward regardless” this is the practicing part over and over again.
To give this new found voice a little more of a challenge, clearly all unknowing of course I relocate to a new country. New country, new culture and new experiences.
First job and on day 2, I am sitting with unease, fear of speaking up, fear of financial implications, fear of being a failure, fear of letting others down, oh and the list is long. Then the emotional whirlwind begins as I hold back tears of frustration because I know this road and I have to choose it anyway even if it’s uncomfortable.
What’s interesting for me is the gap between the unspoken and spoken is getting narrower and that almost excites me. I know there is no finish line because there will be many more like this but it’s the small wins during my life that inspires me to keep going.
So I have a very powerful conversation with my new boss while I hold back tears (which only I know about) and hold back the emotional feelings I feel in my physical body and I charge ahead. So I chose to return the next day and give it another go but I was just really not feeling it.
I was willing to have the conversation regardless of all the fears, regardless if I’ll be liked or not. You see it’s not about being rude it’s about sharing from a place of love for yourself. When we love ourselves enough and value who we are, we choose powerfully for ourselves and walk in faith that all is meant to be as it is. The people and company are great and really going in a great direction, the question is, is it the direction I want to go in. Do I love myself enough to ask the real questions and if the answers make me uncomfortable will I do what’s required regardless. Today now as I write this the answer is yes, I’m willing to do what is required because this is my self love journey after all. We only live once why not live in faith verses fear, there is so much more beauty in FAITH.
Making life happen!